so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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