Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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