I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I am mentally ready for anal.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
