why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
