i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
