He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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