I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
