I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
