i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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