My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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