the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
