I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
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I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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