Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
