everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
