You smell like stripper and shame
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
