I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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