Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
