Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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