p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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