i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
