My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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