Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
