he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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