dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
