you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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