you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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