I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
