she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
