stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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