i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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