Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
