My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
