She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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