i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
