We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
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I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I could fuck to npr.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.