It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
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i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
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All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???