You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize