Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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