i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
try to milk me bitch
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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