why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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