apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
