She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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