i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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