I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
