My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
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i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
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I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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