I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
