walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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