There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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