Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
