i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
