her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
