im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
