you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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