I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
