I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
