Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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